What to do When You Keep Having the Same Fight
Every couple has a few fights which they keep recycling. It might be about how one of you shuts down during conflict. Or how you never feel heard. Or whose turn it is to initiate sex. Whatever the surface issue, it often feels like déjà vu—with a side serving of exhaustion.
Most of the time, it’s not about the dishwasher—or the phone, the takeout menu, or whose turn it is to pay for dinner. These arguments are usually stand-ins for deeper, often unspoken needs. Fights flare up when one or both people feel disrespected, unheard, or emotionally threatened. Until those deeper needs are named and addressed, the same fight will keep showing up in different guises.
That’s why it helps to pause and ask, “What was really going on for me in that moment? What did I need?” It may be hard at first, but curiosity goes further than blame. When you’re tempted to prove your point, try instead to say, “Help me understand what felt hurtful to you.” This kind of invitation doesn’t mean you’re admitting fault—it means you care enough to listen.
And while it’s tempting to focus on the content of the argument, it’s more helpful to notice the pattern. Are you always the one reaching out, while your partner retreats? Do you both go into defense mode quickly? Recognizing each of your roles in the cycle is the first step toward stepping out of it. Even saying, “I think we’re doing that thing again where I get louder and you shut down—can we try this differently?” can shift the dynamic in real time.
Also, timing matters. Trying to resolve a fight while you’re both highly activated or flooded with emotion rarely leads anywhere useful. You’re not in a problem-solving state—you’re in survival mode. The real work often happens later, when things have cooled down. Taking ten minutes for a check-in when you’re both calm can do more for your relationship than hours of arguing in the heat of the moment.
Of course, some patterns are harder to change alone. That’s where couples therapy can help. It’s not about fixing each other—it’s about better understanding the dance you’re both doing and learning some new moves together. If you're tired of reruns, Inclusive Therapy offers the tools to write a new script.
Having the same fight again and again doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It means you are each trying to let a deeper part of you be heard—but the message keeps getting lost in translation. With curiosity, care, and the right support, even your most stubborn arguments can become a pathway to something more connected and real.